Dear Daddy

... it will be 5 years on Columbus day weekend since our last encounter. crazy huh? ive got so much to say and cant wait for the day that i can say it... to your face! i know my letter hurt you last year... the one i sent attached to my graduation ceremony invitation ,AFTER the date had passed. I did it on purpose. u didnt deserve to be there! not at all. you didnt contribute shit! mommy did it ALL on her own! the only thing u helped me do was lose my damn scholarship freshman year. had this lil 18 year old stressed the fuck out!!!! but no one would ever guess... it was like the tears of a clown.. i hid behind that big ass grin that everyone has grown to know me for ... the same face i hid behind in high school... i have NO CLUE how i did it... but they sent me to counseling. they though that me surpressing my feelings and emotions for so long was bound to take a toll on my lil body, soul and mind... little did they know i was ok... and still am... or am i ... all i needed was to get away from you... hate is a strongggggggg word... but i think im close to hating you... it feels like yesterday when u slapped me and told me i wasnt worth u spending money to go away to school.. and that all i was going to do was get pregnant and have a child that you and mommy would have to take care of... thats all you thought of me... it feels like yesterday that i hit you back cuz i could no longer take it... feels like yesterday that i kicked the side view mirror off of ure new altima.. yeah that was me...!

what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger... isnt that what they say? so thank you asshole... u made me stronger and want to suceed SO MUCH MORE... im sure once you see me on tv, and see how sucessful this "idiotic, moronic worthless piece of shit "has come to be, ure chest is going to be poked out like you had something to do with it. i hope someone kicks you in ure chest and cracks ure fucking rib cage and brings you down to size... humble? you dont know what the fuck that is... the closest ive seen you to humble is the day u called mommy to tell her that grandpa died. crying and bawling and shit like you gave a fuck about that man... u didnt give a damn about him... i heard u treated him like shit.. u and ure stupid brother... poor uncle.. simple fool... but u called and cried cuz u felt bad about how ure relationship was with him. what goes around comes the fuck around. i hope u suffered.. i hope u felt guilty, but i know u didnt. i know u like the back of my hand... crocodile tears u shed... but karma is a bitch! cuz i am going to treat you the way u treated him, the way u treated me... u will die a sad, lonely man... i hope you do... i have to chuckle to myself sometimes... and i wish i could remind you, but mommy tells me to leave you alone.. but u should be in jail right now and u know it... right next to lil kim, cuz ure a bitch! i know if you were to read this letter ud be mad as hell! i could give a rats ass... i should send it to you... maybe i will..send it at the end of december so u can bring in the new year with some kind words! im not that lil 12,13,14,15,16,17 or 18 year old anymore...

... happy birthday dear daddy...


*

A dose...

of some good ol' Tola thoughts!

... so tomorrow i have the meeting with the guy about that thing... u know what im tombout... lol ... the radio show.. so once i find out the details and specifics, so shall you... im excited... Sasss... what should i wear?

... i just got off the phone with an old classmate of mine that i havent seen in about 3 years. we went to high school together... he found me on the facebook (like everyoone else has. I SEE YOU! :) what is facebook? its kinda like a college blackplanet, anyway i digress... so during our two hour convo, we talked about music and where he wants to take his ccareer and so on and so forth. what is his career u ask? he is a producer. he did work on Method mans upcomin album and is currently doing work on biggies album... not bad for someone who just graduated...

... my momma is here... missed her much! as usual i get a lil teary eyed when i think of all the things my mommy has done for me... and again when everyone complains about sudent loans kicking their ass... i just sit back, smile and thank god for my special lady...

... ok so sass, and cymple... suzie Q will be up here the weekend on the ....( suzie Q fill in the blank) and we MUST take her to lunch/dinner and show her how its done in the NYC... cuz i dont think she knows...

... i am pissed that i missed the first episode of "Everybody hates chris"! Was it funny? Fill me in please...

... Cathy Hughes... if you dont know who this woman is please google her or read the last issue (before the Beyonce cover) of Essence... a post on her is yet to come

... hes confusing me... and im NOT talking about KJC.. im scared... ive known this fool for a minute and the tension between has been crazy... we flirt quite a bit, while in school and now that we are college grads he wants to take me out.. im down... but i know he wants to jump my bones too... im down... lmao... man... thats another post too...

... kjc...

*sigh*

..signing off with a smile*

A B C's

so, i stole this from Suzie Q and im tagging.......... NIK NAK, THAT SASSY ASS , PRINCESSS D, and CC (where are you?. Cymple... ill let u slide cuz i know u hate tags andddd Suzie Q hit u... ANDDD i didnt see u post!!!!!!LOL... anyhow...


A: Accent: New Yawker BABYY!!!
B: Breast Size: LMAOOOO!!! Before or AFTER surgery?? I think 36 DDD before, 36 B/c after...
C: Chore you hate: Washing f*(*ing dishes!!! DISHWASHERS RULEEE... who wants a chick with dishpan hands!?!?!?!?
D: Dads name: SATIN FIDEL (not his real name)
E: Essential Make up: MAC LipGlass in SPITE (Thanks to my dominican platano)
F: Favorite Perfume: D& G Light Blue and Britneys Curious
G: Gold or Silver: Silver
H: Hometown: BRONX NYYYYY!!!
I: Insomnia: No, not really
J: Job Title: Sales and Marketing Assistant
K: Kids: Nope
L: Living Arrangements: with my WONDERFUL aunt (in a million dollar condo, maybe thats why my rent is so high)
M: Mom's Birthplace: McKinney Virginia
N: Number of Sexual Partners you've had: LMAO... as far as im concerned... only one matters... so i say 1... thats my story and im sticking to it...
O: Overnight hospital stays: Nope.. none
P: Phobia: Losing my mommy
Q: Favorite Quote: Be carefull of the toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that stomps on you tomorrow...
R: Religious affiliation: Baptist
S: Siblings: Older non-existent sister... lol
T: Two you are tagging: My bloggettes
U: Un-natural hair colors uve worn: None, but my platano says i should go bleach blond... hey.. why not?
V: Vegetable you refuse to eat: Asparagus
W: WOrst habit: cursing like a sailor
X: X-rays you've had: None
Z: Zodiac Sign:
GEMINIIIIII!!!

Ive been working on my " 100 Things about me ) list for sometime now... why am I only up to # 17... ill try to have that up by next Friday... :o)


...signing off with a smile*

Crazy, sexy, COOL

You couldnt tell me that these females werent the epitome of cool. Sass and I were damn near in tears last night remeniscing on how important this group was to us in our younger days. I remember the first time i saw the video for Baby, Baby, Baby ! I wanted to go to school in ATL, at that time im sure i didnt know where ATL was located but dammit! I had to be there.

OOHHHHHH on the TLC TIP WAS a classic. Granted, i havent listened to in sometime now, it is still one of my favs. Hat 2 da Back was def one of my favorites! But Something you wanna know, and This is how it should be done... was my shit!!!! Those were unreleased... for those dont know.. DOWNLOADDDD THEM!!! How about T-BOZ's interlude where she kicked homeboy down the stairs for telling her she couldnt go to the clluuuubb!!! Loved it...


These 3 women paved the way for female groups of today. Granted, they werent as sexi as the ladies of Beyonce's Child, they were still the shit in their own way. I let the cat out of teh bag the other nighht when i told Sass that i was the secret 4th member. OH, you aint know!?!? Yeah that was me in teh background, the one that you couldnt see... but yes i was there. I couldnt go on tour with them all the time cuz i had school and all but see... they had made that acception cuz i was um.... yeah.. lol.....

TLC definatly played a huge role in the evolution. The evolution of women in music, and entertainment and this dream that we now call the ultimate girl group.










...signing off with my hat 2 da back*

wow...

im not going to go in detail (because i dont even know them yet) but ... guess who has her own radio show playing classic R and B on an online radio station like Serius Satelite!?!?!?!?...

... think...


... u still thinking?

...nope not her!

give up!?!?!?

MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I will go into detail a lil later...

but in the meantime, can you guys think of some classic R and B songs that i can play? I have to provide the higher ups with a playlist!




...signing off with a smile*

TAG! Im It...

yeah yeah yeah.. i know it took me long enuff but here ya go!

List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.


1. Kanyeezie! Diamonds REMIX (plus the whole damn CD)

2. Gucci Mane: SO IICCEEYYYY!! ( say something!?!! I dare you!)

3. The whole Keyshia Cole CD

4. Jill Scott : E in Lyzel Flat

5. Fefe Dobson : BYE BYE BOYFRIEND!!!!

6. John Legend: Live it up

7. Sade: By Your side

8: Webbie: Bad BItch ft. Trina

9. T.I. : ASAP (whole album)

10: R. Kelly: Sex weed!!! TP3 reloaded, TP2.com, R. ALL OF THEM!!!!!

can i add one more???

11. Mariah: Stay the night.... hehehe


I dunno who to tag! EVeryone i would have tagged, sass did already.. oh well... EVERYBODYY!!! TAGGGGGG URE IT!!!
...signing off with a smile*

HI!

the past few days have been spent on my reinvention! ive gotten some great advice from my fellow bloggettes and im taking heed. *

*~* a lil randomness

* www.sheliagross.com ! CHECK IT OUT! Thank you for the advice. Muah!!

* i was thinking about our friendship this morning... and how it has evolved. i dont remember exactly how old we were when we had that dance class but i do remember attacking u in church after U LEFT ME in that dance class by myself... lol... small world huh? our guy friends were friends ( L and R) which lead us to being closer friends and eventually kicking them to the curb!U never ceast to amaze me, i admire ure wisdom, creativity, splendor and sass! i know we are both struggling now but it is only a matter of time. we will take nyc, this industry, this world by storm... because WE ARE masterpieces... the adventures of starsky and hutch... thelma and louis (and curtis), Muhammad and Deepat (LMAO) has only just begun... they aint ready for us Sass.... they aint' ready... LUV YA HOMIE!!!!!

* I saw Jayz and Beyonce last night at The Carol's Daughter store opening on 125th. Be looked gorgeous as usual... but Jay... he didnt look like himself to me.. he looked nice.. dont get me wrong but he looked... perfect... not a flaw on him.. suit and all.. face was flawless... like he and Be have the same dermetologist... OR makeup artist!

* So Schmoe asked me to go to the Source Awards with him... we shall see... Source awards are kind of "hood". Im not sure if a lady of my calibur belongs there... lmao

* The fam from New Orleans is coming up today... lord.. its about to be Bourbon street and Mardi Gras in the crib...

* why do i still get teary eyed everytime i see anything about NO on tv, or in the paper...?

* why do i get even more teary eyed when i look into Uncle Ed's eyes as he stares at his home underwater... ?

* we all know that George W. is not fond of minorities... but are we always going to pull the race card everytime something happens...?

* I know im going to catch some heat from that last comment.. but i think i can handle it (hands over my head shielding me from the blows coming my way)

* My momma is coming in next week sat! cant wait to see my favorite lady!

* why does Kanye's " Hey Mama" make me cry!

* Smile Pretty Nikki... *


...signing off with a smile*

The Emancipation of me!

so ive decided that the rest of the year is going to be used to prepare myself to take 06 by storm... im still confused as hell but i DO KNOW that im going to use the rest of the year to get my ass in order. i have a plan! and i will stick to it... i want a certain amount of money saved up, most of my debt paid, and i want to be thhhissss close to moving into my own apt come jan/feb 06. thats not too much to ask is it? i didnt think so either... im also just going to stick to what im doing now jobwise... im always searching for a new job but i think im going to lay low for the rest of the year. im always on monster, craigslist, entcareers.net, always coming across great career opportunities. but instead of trying to jump on everything that i see, im going to be content with what i have for now and build with that... makes sense?? Allhiphop is doing the damn thing right now and im not going any damn where... the consultant job is going well too... so im just g0ing to stick with it and build... i know i want to be this on air personality cuz' i have personality and.... i should be ON AIR... hahah (im corny) but whats my rush... ? i try to do everything at once... in college i was able to pull it off... internship, on campus job ( CC & Cymple were the best mentors!) president of and active member of a few on-campus organizations... oh... and not to mention class... i balanced them all... kinda... lol... but i need to take things in stride... relax... plan... strategically... have a plan A, B and C. thats what im going to use 06 for... entertainment isnt going anywhere... at all...

i have to keep reminding myself that good ol' Free didnt get to BET until she was 32, but im not waiting that long for my attack... :o)


...signing off with a smile*

State of confusion

how can someone so focused be so confused? i havent a clue but a state of confusion is what i am in right now... i knew what i wanted in school.... i wanted to be a publicist.. have my own firm and everything... even dabble in some marketing. but now, shit... dont ask me cuz ill tell you this " i have no clue". being in the real world has exposed me to so much that i am in a state of confusion... so much to do so lil time.. thats how i feel. but i have to remind myself that i am only 23 and to stop comparing myself to others. im bored... life is boring me right now... ive had toooo much downtime... thats probably why im so damn confused.. .downtime = thinking time... and u know ones whole life plan can be fucked up just by "thinking". right now, i know i dont want to do pr anymore... why? I dont know... i am still thinking about my on-air/ radio personality bid, but only god knows when and if that will happen... i was thinking about going back to school to get a masters in african american studies... im interested to know about my history... BUT that costs money... no can do.. UNLESS i find a job at a university again... been there done that... so now what? i applied to this copy editing program that im interesed in... we shall see what happens with that.. but im still confused... kjc isnt making it any better either... hes an idiot... thats all i have to say about him...

a lil randomness...

i was watching celebrity fit club! i love tocarra... homegirl went from 205 to 173... i swear she looked smaller then that at last weeks AllHipHop fashion show! She looked great...

schmoe came back... he said he was in atl with his momma... helping her out... :o(

the spam comments have got to stop ( Ms. anonymous that includes you... you are SPAM)

nik nak where in the heeeezie!?!?!?!?

nothing more...

...signing off *

LOL

not that it meanss anything to me... but obviously i have fans... thank you for the hits... but anonymous posts make you a coward... loser.. get a life! Stop reading certain blogs and posting anonymously... :o) Have a great day!


...signing off with a smile*

...

i dont know why i keep doing it to myself. im still watching the news, videos, anything i can find about the situation in NO knowing that its going to make me sick... but this video... brought more tears to my eyes...

Listen to him...


But check out the wording of these reports:

Racism still alive...

I would comment on George Bush but all i can say is God help us...

an old post of mine...
...signing off with a smile*

Running rampant...

... is what my mind is doing right now. i cant sleep. ive been in bed since 12 but its damn near 3 and im WIDE AWAKE. im not sure if its katrina thats bothering me, me going through KJC withdrawal, or if its the pills that i popped this afternoon (dont ask). im bothered. dont know by what, but i do know im bothered. im watching this special on VH1 with India Aire entitled " Tracking the Monster." its a documentary of her trip through africa visiting those with HIV/AIDS. this shit has me f***ed up too... just watching the orphaned children run around is bugging me the hell out. India Aire made friends with a 14 year old orphan who looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. she gave her a bookbag full of lil' things we take for granted, like a tub of vaseline, some flipflops and some other things that i couldnt make out because of my blurred teary eyed vision. the girl looked like it was christmas! she was elated as i sit/ sat here devistated.

cymple scared the hell out of me tonight as well... the last paragraph in PASSING ME BY is the last thing that i needed to read tonight. THANX CYMPLE! THANK YOU. :o(. all i can think of is... yes ure pastor is right... so what next???? jezus... i need sleep...



...signing off *