Today's thoughts...

the day has just begun and already i have a million and one things running through this mind of mine.
BIG DAY: JULY 11th @ 3 pm... mark ure calendars... im not telling whats happening at this very moment but please stay tuned. its a big day for me... BIG DAY!!!

SCHMOE: for someone that doesnt do a lot of thinking, im doing a lot of thinking. there are a few things about schmoe that i wonder about. but then again, id wonder these things with any other guy. for instance... who else is he talking too at the moment? granted... ive told myself to continue to do me and not think about a relationship right now but i cant help but wonder. its natural right? or am i bugging? its only been two weeks... maybe i should relax. yeah... i think that is what i will do... relax. :o)

K.J.C: unfortunately, i CAN NOT relax when it comes to this one. on my way to work this morning i couldnt help but think of him. actually, i thought about him last night, i thought about him so hard that i called him. he still has no phone. he lost it, or atleast thats what his voicemail says. but im no fool. he has two cell phones, a house phone, AND a work phone. so why hasnt he called me back? i have no clue. im sure his excuse will be "work, work and...". but a fool i AM NOT. i dont mind if hes doing him, having fun, hell... im doing the same... but all i need is a phone call. last night, i concluded that the next time we speak... im just going to close the book.. for the moment. like ive said in previous posts, it will not, and can not be anything right now given our situation (me in NYC, him in Chicago) but still... i think i need closure... whatever!!!

LIFE: this morning i was listening to my wonderful dell-pod (its called a DJ) and destiny's child survivor came on... man listen.... that song opens up a wound that is taking forever to heal. everyone has their lil' issues, and/or life occurances that have affected them (or still does) in some way, and everyone has their own release/ therapy. music is undoubtedbly my therapy. its my medicine, and SURVIVOR was and is definately my pill of choice when thinking about this situation. the words in that song are my words. i swear those are the thoughts and feelings that i have for a certain person that is no longer in my life. i do apologize for being so vague but please believe that the blog world is not ready for that story and i am truly not in the "Mr. Rogers neighborhood" mindframe. i know everyone is familiar with the song, but read the words... i know it like the back of my hand, but when i sit back and think about life, i like to revisit this song... it was my therapy then, and its my therapy now...

Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Though that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin
You thought I wouldn't sell without you

Sold 9 million ( doesnt apply to me but u get the point)

Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lasting
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm living
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here

After all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround myself with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

... aint that the truth!

...signing off with a smile*

HAPPPYYY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

not that she will ever read this but... i just wanted the world to know that today is my mommy's bday. on this day, JUNE 29th, some 56 years ago, the most beautiful woman in the world was born (she also gave birth to two of the most beautiful women to roam the earth!). the greatest mother in the world if u will...forget being a daddy's girl, im truly a momma's girl! i wonder what her hubby has planned for her today.

on another note. PLEASE BELIEVE its time to start cutting them off. THEM meaning those people that serve no purpose in life... i mean ure life... other then to piss you the f*&^ off and make you want to strangle them. ive had it with a certain associate. shes so inconsistent, full of s*&^ and just trying my soul at the very moment. so, in order to preserve my relatively good spirit, im going to add her to the list. what list? the "please do not talk to me unless you are ready to die" list. my list isnt that long, hell!... she's the only one on it...*shaking my head*.

last night... i saw HIM...yes yes yes. "schmoe" came to the rescue and damn... was the chemistry there or what? there was so much chemistry that our protons, electrons and neutrons were ready to engage in some ionic compound that i soooo can not describe. LMAO. crazy. i was standing outside of glo on W.16th street, not even trying to get into the draft after party because i was soooo smitten and engaged in conversation with schmoe. man... it wasnt even conversation, it was straight lusting, flirting, staring in each others eyes, at each others lips, eyes roaming across bodies type s*&^. i was sooo withdrawn from the club that i barely noticed the 6'7 draft picks coming out of stretch limos entering the club ( i said barely, but please understand that i DID notice). schmoe is sexi. he is a lil' shorter then my standard but he has a lot that is making up for where he lacks. as for now, im going to continue to float on cloud 9. please please please dont interrupt...



...signing off with a smile*

Lets call him Schmoe...

this is how i feel right now. its crazy. its only been 2 weeks but he already has me smiling like a damn fool. he calls me and greets with me a "Good morning beautiful" or "hello gorgeous". who does that?????? him... he does! and i love it. im smitten. but at the same time, confused. i miss K.J.C, my long distance love. but i know, and he knows nothing can be right now. right? yup! well dammit... "schmoe" to the rescue! and he for damn sure is making it a fun rescue! lets see how long this one lasts. lets hope he can make it through the summer!







...signing off with a smile*

Stolen... my version

I borrowed this from my P.I.C... have no clue where she got it from but here goes my version:


i am not: a reflection of the exterior that i may put up
i hurt: when i think of aspects of my childhood
i love: my momma
i hate: being bored
i hope: i can live up to my mommy's expectations
i hear: everything
i crave: loveeeee, and a happy life
i regret: NOTHING!
i cry: rarely
i care: about my friends and their lives as much as my own
i always: dream big
i long to: be successful
i feel alone: never
i listen: to everything
i miss: my house on Wilder Ave, school AKA the wonder years
i learn: to live with the happenings of my life
i feel: content
i know: i will leave my mark on the world
i say: the first thing that comes to my mind
i fail: to understand why certain things happen in life
i sleep: like my bed is made of clouds
i wonder: if he thinks about me
i can: do anything i put my mind 2
i give: my all , sometimes too much
i need: to stay focused
i am: myself! and i love it
i think: i dont think enough
i can't help the fact that: im silly
i live: my life like its GOLDEN!!!!!

...signing off with a smile*

Uncertainty...

As wierd as this may sound... i welcome "uncertain.ty" at times, in certain situations... lol. does that make sense? sounds a little redundant to me. Let me explain... last night my P.I.C and i were running the streets as usual and decided to go see her new "friend", who just happened to be someone that i went to high school with. to make a long story short, although it was a good, hell, GREAT visit if i must say so myself, the night ended with a feeling of "doubt" on her part. i can understand her feelings and at the same time i cant because of different situations that we are in, or... situations that i am NOT in... anyhow... i was thinking... in instances like this... when it comes to an interest of the opposite sex, i welcome a little anticipation, excitement of whats to come, a little uncertainty of where the situation may lead. follow me? its a funny feeling but i like it. i dont think my P.I.C welcomes it as much as i do but im sure she will relax soon, hell... i HOPE she relaxes soon. its a good situation for her, hes a good guy (as far as i can see). but as for me, i like the idea and feelings associated with getting to know someone, i almost forgot... im actually getting to KNOW someone right now... but thats for a later post. but i do know one thing... im certain that i welcome uncertainty! LOL


...signing off with a smile*

BOOOO

Ok so the San Antonio Spurs take the NBA Finals this year. Im not a happy camper. Actually... i could care less but i was really rooting for the Pistons. They gave it a good run this year DEFINATELY. BUTTTT now that Phil Jackson is back in action, the LAKERS WILL prevail victorious next year. PLEASE BELIEVE!!!!!


...signing off with a smile*

Guess whoooss BIZACCKKK.... Pt 2

Ok... I think i caught "bullshit" on an off day cuz' when I snuck back in she wasnt around! Im sure she will be back soon but im here, happy, and ready to start my 23rd year of life!!!! CRAZZYYY. I cant believe it. I think 23 is such a grown and sexi number, and hell... GROWN AND SEXI IS WHAT I BEEE!!! Im feeling good. Very good. I got a few new additions to myself. Two weeks ago my P.I.C and I went out and got tattoos. I wanted a MEANINGFUL symbol on my lower back for awhile so I finally got one. MY PIC got a flower ensemble and a heart on her back... so i said hey... why not get a heart too? It was cute ANNNNDDD free! My tattoo artist likes me. So i got two for the price of one. Cant beat that!That makes 4 tattoos on my body in total. That seems like a lot but they are ALL hidden EXCEPT for the one on my wrist. How much can i hide that one? Anyhow, i dont quite feel like giving a week in review (Mike ANDDDD PHIL Jackson), nor do i feel like writing all of my updates at the moment. I just wanted to resurface! Now let me enjoy the last 32 minutes of my 22nd year on earth!!! :o)



...signing off with a smile*

Gone

Too much is going on right now. I think im going to go into hiding for a bit! So please do not be upset if i do not return phone calls or emails or anything else. Im detaching myself from the world and all of its stupidity and stupid people for a few. I know the bullshit will be waiting with open arms for me when I return but for now, I must depart...


...signing off with a smile*